Northern Quilted


“Hello?”  By the sound of her voice I knew that she was a little surprised by my call.  It was late.  She was probably afraid something was wrong.  She was right.

“He baby.”  I said, “I’ve got a strange request.”


“Do you know which kind of toilet paper you use?”

Yeah, Charmin.”

“Can you go into your bathroom and see if there’s an unopened six-pack of Northern Quilted toilet paper in there?”

“In my bathroom?”

“Yes, it’s a pack of unopened, six role pack of Northern Quilted.”

She didn’t ask my reasons.  She didn’t question why this was important to me.  She just got up and checked.  Who does that?

“No, there’s a four-pack of Charmin that I just opened a few minutes ago, but that’s all.”

“Ok, thanks.”

“Whats this all about?”

“I just came back from the store, set the toilet paper down on my couch and now it’s gone.”

“That’s really why you called me?  Seriously?”

“My toilet paper is not here.  I’ve looked everywhere.  I’ve torn the place up.  I even looked under the trailer.  I know I had it with me.  I know I brought it into the house.  I assumed it slipped through some sort of vortex.  It could be in another dimension.”


“I was thinking about you when all this happened so I thought maybe somehow I accidentally nudged it over to your house.”

“There is something seriously wrong with you.”

“Yeah, my house is full of vortexes…or is it vortices?   How am I supposed to sleep knowing I might be sucked down into another world?”

“If that happens at least you’ll be with your toilet paper.”

“You think this is funny don’t you.”

“I don’t know if I should laugh or be afraid.  You misplace something and the first thing that pops into your head is dimensional displacement.”

“In a universe right next door to ours there’s a version of me with a widows peek and a pointed goatee who is wondering why the hell there’s a pack of Northern Quilted sitting on his couch.”

“I feel for his girlfriend.  I really do.”

“There’s really trippy stuff going on over here and you’re making fun of me.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Like, be supportive and stuff.”

“Ok fine, I’ll support your delusions.  Have you considered aliens? ”

“That doesn’t make any sense.  Why the hell would aliens want my toilet paper?”

“And portals to an alternate reality makes sense?”

“Oh, I found it.  I threw it in the trash can by accident.”

“You’re an idiot.  I love you, but you’re an idiot.”

“It was an honest mistake.  Could have happened to anyone.”

“I don’t know of anyone who comes home from the store, throws away the tp they just bought, then phones their girlfriend about…never mind.  I’m going back to bed.”


About thelastmonte

I'm a ninja for hire An ice cube on fire A soothsayer and liar Deceitful, dashing and dire A menacing muse muddling meanings in the mire My mind tumbles around like a cat in a dryer When it comes down to the wire I get lit like a pyre Kicking hobbits out the shire In jet black attire like a cocaine supplier And I aspire to acquire your ire Oh, and I also do freelance work.
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