The movie is nearly over. Spock’s face is all jacked up, his voice sounds like a constipated Yoda and he’s dying from radiation exposure. He and Kirk are doing the whole ‘needs of the many’ bit. It’s a dramatic ending to what is arguably the best Star Trek movie in the entire franchise, ‘The Wrath of Khan’.
It’s at this point that I stop the movie, turn to my 14 year old son and say, “You know in the next one they have to find Spock.”
“What?” A questioning look blankets his young, impressionable face.
“In the next movie they’ve got to go find Spock.”
He’s never seen any of these movies. He’s never seen the original series. The only thing he knows about Star Trek is the J.J. Abrams flicks.
“What do you mean ‘go find him’? Isn’t he dead?” he asks.
“Yep. Totally dead. Shortly after this point they lose him though. In the next movie they’ve got to go find him.”
He laughs. “You’re just messing with me.”
“Nope. In fact, the next movie is called ‘The Search For Spock’.”
“Now I know you’re messing with me.”
“I promise you I am not.”
“But he’s dead. That makes no sense.”
“Dude, you’re getting your radioactive fingerprints all over the glass.”
So we watch yet another Star Trek movie and we laugh throughout the entire thing. A dead, radioactive Spock has been turned into a soulless child zombie by the Genesis Effect, somehow. He and the planet are connected and both are aging rapidly. The planet dies but Spock lives…somehow and Doctor Emmit Brown of ‘Back to the Future’ fame is the most inept Klingon villain ever. As good as Wrath of Khan is, Search for Spock is equally bad. Why does Chekov wear a pink robe throughout the whole thing? Why do they keep showing the Klingon’s little monster dog at random intervals? Could they possibly make a worse Star Trek movie if they tried?
Half way through the movie I pause it, “You know in the next movie, on their voyage home, they discover that the Earth is being attacked by alien whales.”
“Alien whales roll up and knock out all of Star Fleets defenses. Earth is defenseless against space whale technology.”
“You’re joking dad. You have to be joking.”
“The only way to stop them is to go back in time to catch some humpback whales.”
“I…that….I don’t believe you. That sounds insane.”
“It was the 80’s. You’d have to be there to understand it.”
The moral of Star Trek IV is that it’s ok to kill all the whales. We can just repopulate the species with time travel later.