Bad Poetry: Star Wars Edition


A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…I would do you.
I would do you just like Star Wars, specifically episodes IV through VI.
First I would take you back to my Sand Crawler and introduce you to my little Jawa.
We’d do it Sand People style, dirty and loud…and single file to hide our numbers
I’ll knock the fluff off of that Bantha
I’d sink my throbbing Rancor in your lusty Sarlacc pit
You’ll not find a more retched hive of scum and villainy anywhere…that beats my bedroom
What do you mean these aren’t the droids I’m looking for?
All they need is a couple D batteries and some Astroglide and we’ll make that jump to hyperspace baby
I’m gonna rock your world like Aderaan
Your climax will be like a thousand souls crying out…and then like, dieing horribly in space or something

You’re small moons have me locked in a tractor beam of desire
I know your reputation. I know even you get boarded some times.
I find your lack of faithfulness disturbing..ly arousing
Sometimes when I think of you I force choke the womp rat in my pants
You don’t know the power of the Dark Side…but you will once I whip out this lightsaber
It’s pointless to resist…but do it anyway. I like it.
I’m not your father, but you’ll be calling me daddy before the night is through
My Storm Trooper is coming for you girl and while he may be a little short he’ll still fit in your garbage shoot
I’m gonna fire my photon torpedoes all over your ventilation shaft
I’m going to make out with you like you were my sister

I need you like Han needed Chewie. Like R2 needed C3PO. Like Hayden Christensen needed acting lesions (or ‘lessons’, either one).
When your gone it feels like I’m buck-ass naked on Hoth
Being without you hurts worse than when that Wampa beast beat Luke stupid and hung him upside down like some kind of Jedi mistletoe
That’s why I’m opening my heart to you, like a smelly Tauntaun in the snow
Lower your shields darling so this space cowboy can go down on your Wookie and get to work
I’m going to stroke that Ewok till is purrs
Believe it baby, I’ll get you wetter than Dagobah in the rainy season
And then I’m going to ride you like a three legged At-At
Let me take you to Cloud City baby
I’ll show you how exactly hard my Carbonite really is

This terribly bit of poetry is dedicated to the one and only Jes Ham, one of the coolest chicks I know.

Happy Valentines Day to Everyone (but especially the nerdy chicks…and my girlfriend…who refuses to wear an R2 bathing suit for me unfortunately)

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About thelastmonte

I'm a ninja for hire An ice cube on fire A soothsayer and liar Deceitful, dashing and dire A menacing muse muddling meanings in the mire My mind tumbles around like a cat in a dryer When it comes down to the wire I get lit like a pyre Kicking hobbits out the shire In jet black attire like a cocaine supplier And I aspire to acquire your ire Oh, and I also do freelance work.
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