Utility Belts


“Holy shit, Batman! It looks like Fonzie Dracula has teamed up with furry lifestyle enthusiast Miss Mittens!”

And now I will rant about the 1960’s Batman and Robin…
What the hell is up with Batman’s utility belt? Just look at it. He’s got a series of wide, yet wafer thin square pouches encircling his waist (and a small cylinder that appears to be a tampon container). What the fuck is he going to carry in there? Various flavors of Poptarts? Slices of cheese? A copy of TV guide? His belt containers are quarter inch thick squares. Seriously, what type of bat-themed device could possibly conform to that kind of shape? Maybe he could put some wetnaps in there or something. For all we know he could be carrying around a Wilson Philips CD for Commissioner Gordon and he’s waiting for ‘just the right moment’. Perhaps he’s got a small shaving mirror in case he has to deal with bat-stubble while out on patrol. I don’t know, but one this is certain, there is nothing stashed in the micro thin folds of his handy dandy utility containers that will save the day when everything goes to shit. There is no way he’s got a batarang, bat cuffs, shark repellent or anything useful tucked into that marigold bandoleer. At the best he’s probably packing some coiled up yarn, a half melted Nestles Crunch and a crumpled note from the Riddler that smells like sweat and old semen. My advice? Get a back pack or something. I’m sure they make those in neon sunburst gay.


“Stop laughing at my bat boner….and my moobs.”

But that’s still better than his crimson clad sidekick. Can Robin really claim to be wearing a ‘utility belt’? At least Batman’s has pouches (thin and useless though they be). The boy wonder looks to have a total of six small tubes. If he puts them all together he’s got a spit ball gun maybe, but otherwise what the hell is he going to carry? He’s only got enough volume in those half dozen vials for a small bundle of toothpicks, a pair of Q-tips, some lip balm, tweezers, a lone safety match, and four tick tacs (five if you stack them just right). That is the extent of Robin’s utility storage capacity. He possesses all the power and crime fighting technology of a poorly stocked medicine cabinet. I’ve seen homeless beggars better equipped than this guy. Regular fucking pockets would be more useful than what he’s wearing. Does he realize that a fanny pack from the dollar store would increase his gadget carrying capacity by roughly 5000%. A Walmart shopping bag with holes in the bottom would be an improvement.

Basically…1960’s Batman was crazy. And if you doubt that then answer me this; why does he have florescent eyebrows drawn on his mask?

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About thelastmonte

I'm a ninja for hire An ice cube on fire A soothsayer and liar Deceitful, dashing and dire A menacing muse muddling meanings in the mire My mind tumbles around like a cat in a dryer When it comes down to the wire I get lit like a pyre Kicking hobbits out the shire In jet black attire like a cocaine supplier And I aspire to acquire your ire Oh, and I also do freelance work.
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