I’ve been writing for daftgadgets.com for a few months now. They approached me after seeing a few of my articles on cracked and asked if I wanted to try writing for them. I started out doing product descriptions and now I’ve somehow conned them into letting me be a colonist where I post amusing little pieces about this and that while trying not to curse. (http://site.daftgadgets.com/blog1/) It’s pretty awesome. But perhaps the best thing of all is the product descriptions themselves. I’m astounded at how much they let me get away with. There are time were I’ll be like ‘there’s no way they’ll let this fly’. And every time I’m proven wrong. And actually they told me they’ve gotten some positive feedback from customers on my work. It’s a little scary. Apparently, ‘insanity’ and ‘selling’ are the same thing. So I wanted to post a few of my favorites. These are actual product descriptions on an actual website.
Why does being a pool shark and/or taking the money of lesser men have to stop when you leave the bar? At 20 inches long, the Mini Table Top Pool Table set will easily fit into almost any environment. Lightweight and easy to move, it’s big enough for heated action, but small enough to stow away when not in use. Bring it to the office as a way to school your peers or while away the hours when your boss is out. Or give one to your boss and then lose to him as much as possible as a way to butter him up for that promotion.
Maybe your significant other (or your mom) won’t let you keep a full size billiard table in the living room because she just doesn’t understand the beauty of this lauded sport of kings. Well now you can turn any coffee table or tv tray into a smokey, dimly lit pool tavern. Does your women like to hold long tedious gatherings where the men folk are pretty much standing around willing their bodies to absorb the alcohol quicker because this little tea party is mind numbingly dull? The Mini Table Top Pool Table is a great centerpiece for just about any gathering where there are guys about to commit ritual suicide due to boredom.
And ladies, it also makes a terrific gift for the sophisticated male who already has everything. The Mini Table Top Pool Table will make a great addition to almost any room in the house (probably not the bathroom though, see our “toilet golf” gadgets for that).
Stoves? Really? Who uses a stove anymore? They’re bulky, unattractive steel cubes that demand way too much room in your kitchen. The Countertop Multi-Grill is a portable sleek looking beast that cooks faster and is easier to clean than some old greasy stove. You can probably just throw the whole thing in the dishwasher when your done (NO, you can’t, please don’t try this).
And did we mention that it comes with like a bazillian different attachments (actually no, it comes with nine) Besides your standard grill setup you get a waffle plate, a sandwich plate, and…(dramatic pause for effect)…donut plate. Yes, you read that right, you can make friggin donuts with this thing!
Someone up there has been listening to our prayers. The millennium is here fellas and your portable sandwich/steak/waffle/donut maker has finally arrived. It is literally the perfect culinary tool! And yeah, you could probably like grill some veggies on this thing or whatever. Just don’t let the asparagus touch the donut griddle, ok.
The applications for this revolutionary device boggle the mind. Use a couple in the kitchen to grill meat like a pro. Has your spouse banned you from ever barbequing again because you set the side of the house on fire? Throw a couple of these bad boys on the patio and get your grilling done with a third of the work and fuss (and calls to the fire department).
Take it camping, keep one in your cubical at work or next to your computer at home so that you can snack whenever you want. Give one to your kid so they can have hot sandwiches at school. Or maybe you’re a homeless grifter and you’re looking for a way to cook that dead possum.
This patented triple layered electric bug swatter kills/electrocutes/immolates/fries/detonates/vaporizes all flying insects such as mosquitoes, flies, gnats and spiders on contact (not that spiders are flying insects but sometimes they jump at you and you’ve got to be ready). And though not explicitly designed for reptiles or amphibians we’re pretty sure this Thor like badminton racket will take care of just about any pest you can swat.
It has a safety switch and 2 insulation outer layers for your protection (but you can probably snip those off if they get in your way). You can take it camping, to BBQ’s, the beach, fishing or anywhere that insects or annoying pets and children abound.
THIS IS NOT A TOY (by which we mean don’t give it to the kids cuz they’ll just zap their sisters and then you’ll have a bunch of really angry mothers after you)! The output power is relatively low (two aa batteries), constituting no major hazard to humans or pets at all (which really just sounds like an invitation to misuse these things).
The Touchless Power Bug Swatter emits no smell and uses no poisonous or harmful material…other than a field of electricity strong enough to nuke insects into vapor. It’s safe for indoor or outdoor use and is the most effective, convenient and hygienic way to terminate insects. And come on, who doesn’t want to beat down swarms of bugs with electrified tennis racquets? It leaves no smudge, smear or mess to clean up after. No splats or smears on your clean walls, windows, lighting fixtures, and furniture.
Know why? Because it friggin atomizes insects! Boom!