A Christmas Card

Best Wishes and Glad Tidings this Holiday Season!

I never liked you. Not even a little. Not even the teeniest, tiniest bit. You have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. There is nothing special or memorable or noteworthy about you. You have never done anything to justify all the oxygen you suck down. You have only ever been a burden to your fellow man. You make everyone around you a worse person and I hope you get everything that’s coming to you this year. I have so many ill wishes for you that I scarcely know where to begin.

I hope someone runs you down with a one horse open sleigh. I hope carolers throw hot chocolate in your face and the molten marshmallows singe your eyebrows off. I hope orphans put glass in your eggnog. I hope while you’re praying for peace on earth and good will toward men a snowman wearing gang colors stabs you with a candy cane shank. I hope black elves beat the jolly out of you because you were singing ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas’. I hope your mom is there and it makes her cry into her mittens. I hope she’s hot so that I can take her back to my house and deck her halls. I hope you choke to death on a sugarplum. I hope everyone buys you a fruitcake.

I hope you get so lonely and depressed that you try to sell your soul to the devil for a hug but he just laughs in your face. I hope evil nuns poison your Christmas tree and swap your mistletoe with poison ivy. I hope your four calling birds, three French hens and two turtle doves all have avian flu and I hope your partridge in a pear tree has rabies and he fucking attacks you. I hope Santa dumps your plate of cookies in the toilet and leaves radioactive dust in your stocking. I hope a gang of reindeer takes turns violating you in the park and it traumatizes you so much that you wet yourself every time anyone sings Rudolf. I hope someone takes pity on you and buys you a Christmas present and that you’re deathly allergic to whatever cheap crap they found for you. And as you swell like a Macys Thanksgiving day Parade balloon I hope everyone takes a solemn oath to never do anything nice for you ever again as long as they live cuz you just screw everything up.

Merry Christmas!!!

From Monte Richard


About thelastmonte

I'm a ninja for hire An ice cube on fire A soothsayer and liar Deceitful, dashing and dire A menacing muse muddling meanings in the mire My mind tumbles around like a cat in a dryer When it comes down to the wire I get lit like a pyre Kicking hobbits out the shire In jet black attire like a cocaine supplier And I aspire to acquire your ire Oh, and I also do freelance work.
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