I’m thankful that I have learned so much about life and people in the past few years. I fully intend to use this knowledge to become a better person and to further my career as a supervillain.
I’m thankful that this year I’m not living in a van. Not that I didn’t enjoy time as a vagrant immensely. I just get tired of peeing in a cup.
I’m thankful that I don’t really have to work. That I can support myself through my writing alone (almost).
I’m thankful that all of my exgirlfriends haven’t decided to band together and use their collective knowledge of my weaknesses to destroy me (dammit I hope they don’t read this).
I’m thankful that my latest girlfriend broke my heart (again) because it was time we got over each other and now I can add her to the list of people I intend to hunt down once I get uber rich.
I’m thankful for the internet. Without all this technology it would be much harder to be a writer, to do my research and I’d have to endure the shame of buying my porn from the grungy looking dude at the gas station around the corner.
I’m thankful that I’m better than everyone else. That I’m smarter and that I have been chosen by destiny to rule you all.
I’m thankful that my children are so happy, healthy and smart. But most of all I’m happy that they’re still too young to have figure out that I pretty much make up everything as I go and that I am in fact just a big kid in a mans body. I kind of laugh to myself every time they call me ‘dad’. ‘Kid, I couldn’t possibly be your father, I still watch cartoons and every time I go to Wal-Mart I head straight to the toy isle.’
I’m happy that my exwife has found someone to put up with her so she doesn’t have to actively hate me twenty-four hours a day.
I’m happy that I’m immortal and that I will live forever. It would totally suck if I was growing old.
I’m happy that I care less and less what other people think with each passing year. My goal is to be able to mow the yard naked without blushing.
But mostly, I’m thankful that girls have boobs.