My latest article on Cracked.com will be coming out soon and I figured I’d put out my unedited version for anyone who wants to come check it out. This is only half the list. My good buddy Ross wrote the other half. Also, I am completely unaware of what the editors will keep and what they’ll throw out. Our original article was a list of 8. All I know about the upcoming article is that it’s been cut down to six.
People Who Will Be Eaten By Wild Animals
1 – A Boy And His Giant Fucking Snake
When he was just three months old Sambaths father found a snake under their sons mat. Most people would scream their fucking head off while beating the offending serpent to death with a shoe. But they do things a little differently in Cambodia. They threw it out. Ok, we get the whole respect nature thing and all that, it’s cool. The sinuous serpent found it’s way back into the house again. Now is it time to bludgeon the legless lizard with footwear? Nope, they brought it out to the forest again. As a matter of fact they did this three timesbefore they finally gave up and let the snake sleep with the boy. Which is a totally rational thing to do in certain parts of the world apparently. A cold-blooded constrictor keeps climbing in bed with your infant son, but it’s cool, just leave it. It’s probably meant to be. (Someone call child social services!)
Now the snake is over twenty feet long and could easily eat the boy…or anyone else probably. It slept with the kid till he was eight, then they gave their slithering house guest it’s own room. The two have grown up together and Sambath considers the deadly killing machine his sister. He hugs, roughhouses, tickles and gets kissesfrom the snake by putting his face near it and waiting for it’s tongue to flick out.
“We’re pretty sure that for a snake ‘kissing’ and ‘tasting’ are the same thing.”
Sambath whiles away the days trying to teach sissy tricks. Although in all honestly ‘don’t crush my bones to jelly’ is probably the most impressive trick a 265 poundpython could ever learn. A close second would be snake bareback riding. As shown here Sambath body surfs on what is arguably the most powerful species of snake in the world.
Here’s a few videos of the insanity:
“Faster my trusty steed!”
This is the snake that is taking over the Evergladesby beating down alligators. These things have been known to kill and/or eat people. Yet this snake has it’s own room, can pretty much come and go as it pleases, and the parents leave the kids at home alone with the thing while they work. On top of that the scaly monster eats ten chickens a week and sometimes the impoverished family has trouble keeping it fed. Pythons can grow up to 27 feet and weigh over 300 pounds. A hungry snake at home with three defenseless kids. No, thats not a recipe for disaster…right?
“They’re favorite game, ‘Please for the love of God don’t eat me’.”
2 – The Lion Whisperer
Kevin Richardson is a ‘self taught’(read: he dropped out) zoologist who raises lions and hyenas in South Africa. He believes he has an intimate understanding of these creatures and can communicate with them. And they are by no means tame. In fact he’s the only man who can hang out with the 38 Lions in his wildlife park. Though he’s had several close calls he hasn’t been critically injured…yet. Richardson will often go into their enclosures to sleep with the pride. He even got a lioness to overcome her natural fear of water to swim out to him.
here’s the video of lions that will one day probably tear out his innards:
“Let them watch baby. I don’t care who knows about us.”
Lions can grow to a hefty 400 pounds, are extremely territorial, and routinely kill hundreds of people in Africa every year. Even hand raised lions are extremely dangerous and hanging out with dozens of them at a time is pretty much suicide since they can easily crush or disembowel a man, even if they don’t mean to. Richardson himself admits how dangerous and unpredictable these big cats are. “I’ve been mauled by lions that are my friends. If you don’t react instantaneously, you’re dead,. We assume by ‘react’ Richardson means beat the king of the beasts back with your ginormous balls. But we’re pretty sure that this man, whose only training is in physiotherapy, knows exactly what he’s doing despite the concern and fears of actual lion experts all over the world. Good thing he’s not reckless or anything.
“Let the critics bitch all they want. This dude is riding a fucking lion!”
Apparently none of the lions in his park are suitable for reintroduction into the wild so the females have been sterilized. This has a negative affect on the group dynamics of the pride which means Richardson has to break up fights between males competing for dominance. Wait…what? He stops brawls between angry lions? We’re pretty sure there is no one living on the face of the earth that can put this on their resume. Who in the fuck gets in there and tells two pissed off lions that they have to play nice? Roughhousing and cajoling with dangerous apex predators is already a few degrees past crazy, but for Kevin Richardson mixing it up with some of the most dangerous felines in the world just isn’t a big thing. He says, “We’ve had goes at each other. As stupid as it sounds, there have been times,”. No Kevin, that doesn’t sound stupid…not at all man.
“I’ll let go of your tongue as soon as you promise to play nice.”
3 – Crocodiles Are Really Sweet Natured
Gilberto Shedden, a Costa Rican fisherman has a seventeen foot, one thousand pound crocodile as a pet. He swims and plays with the enormous reptile on a daily basis. He has this to say about Poncho the croc, “He will look me in the eye and not attack me.” That’s good enough for us. No need to worry that this man is frolicking with a loveless, unpredictable holdover from the age of dinosaurs known to dine on literally anything. Everyone knows that crocodilians are extremely affectionate and trustworthy creatures that would never eat you just fucking because.
“Just stay in his blind spot and you’re perfectly safe.”
Twenty years ago Gilbert, known as Chito, rescued a dieing crocodilethat had been shot in the left eye by a cattle farmer. He took the animal home, fed it, cared for it and slept with it doing everything possible to make the animal comfortable. He says “I just wanted him to feel that somebody loved him, that not all humans are bad.” It’s hard to get a crocodile to overcome its prejudices, but little by little Chito succeeded. He worked with the deadly monster daily and after years he gained it’s trust. Eventually Chito found that Poncho would come when he called and would even follow him home.
“This man makes Steve Irwin look like Elmo.”
Once people found out about it tourists started coming by and now even cruise lines advertise his show. Their routine seems to consists mainly of Chito trying to piss off the toothy reptile by rolling it over in the water and pushing it’s massive head around. Chito will stick his face right in front of the crocodile and then give it a kiss, practically daring beast the rip his head off. His family of course was scared to death the first time he entered the water with Pancho. They were so upset in fact that he had to sneak off to train his pet when they were asleep. And though you might think swimming in the dark with a half blind crocodile is generally a bad idea, Chito was able to show that love does conquer all…and that crazy people are lucky sons of bitches.
“Ok, now beg.”
4 – A farmer and his furry drinking buddy
Most bars have rules about livestock, but not in Spruce Grove Canada. There you can bring a 1,600 pound buffalo in for a drink. Just ask rancher Jim Sautner. He’s and his horned companion Baily are regulars at the local bar. The giant cow even downs a few ales. Jim Sautner is a bit of an animal lover. Most people would just get a dog or two and be happy with that. Mr. Sautner though seems to have a thing for large herbivores. He takes his pet Baily everywhere. But how do you transport a pet buffalo? Trailers are for livestock, not beloved members of the family. So Jim modified a Pontiac Parisianne to accommodate the behemoth. And by ‘modified’ we mean tore off the roof and most of the seats and bolted a feed bucket to the dashboard. Apparently the first time Jim tried this there were some difficulties. But really, what possible problems could result from shoehorning a ton and a half animal into a sedan?
“Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam…I mean literally.”
“Everybody Loves Raymond, even buffalo.”