Men of POF

Male Personality Types on ‘Plenty of Fish’

I personally have never had an account on any online dating services. I mean, why would I? I’ve got a secret basement full of malnourished chicks who are just begging for attention. But I am a student of human nature and I have lots of friends on the popular dating site ‘Plenty of Fish’. Fascinated by the rapid evolution of this novel form of mate selection I began to investigate. These are some of the male archetypes I’ve seen.

I’m looking for a goddess who is way out of my league. I want to spend all of my days wooing her and writing her poetry. I want to shower her with gifts that I can’t really afford because she is so incredibly beautiful that I feel I must overcompensate. And even though I know she’s probably just leading me on because she feeds on attention and praise, I’m a sucker and I’ll never learn that women equate kindness with weakness. She’ll keep hooking up with douchebags who’ll treat her like garbage and then she’ll come running back to me. And even though she’ll kick my heart in the ass a dozen times I’ll hold her while she cries and console her in the feign hopes that this time, she’ll come to her senses and marry me even though I’m basically her bitch.

I want a sweet, honest woman, who’s tired of all the games and who has an amazing bust. I want a classy lady with big German farmers daughter utters. I want her to be so top heavy that we’ll need to build a tripod just to keep her stable. She won’t be able to go to the beach for fear that a great white shark will think she’s hiding two seals in her suit. I want a soul mate with such huge knockers that she can literally smother me in my sleep with them.
“It’s just so sad. He was so young. How’d he die?”
“He suffocated beneath his girlfriends massive mammaries.”
“Lucky bastard.”

Glutton for Punishment
I’m tired of all these sweet, simple airheads who want to just hang out and have fun. It’s boring. I need someone with some fire, ya know? I want a woman who always keeps me guessing. I need a chica with some serious issues. I don’t want a healthy, fulfilling relationship. I want something aching, destructive and soul scarring. I want her to erupt into screaming hysterics because she’s jealous of every female ever born. I want to walk on eggshells around her because the least thing will turn her into a raving psychotic super bitch. I want to be in love with being afraid of her. In short, I want a woman like my mother.

I don’t care if you’re a heifer or if you’re homely. If you’re on this site and you find my attitude attractive then you’ve probably been abused and nobody of any character will ever love you. Yes, you’re pathetic and you’re a loser, but that’s ok. That’s exactly the kind of chick I’m looking for. Lets be honest, you’re desperate for affection and companionship and I’m a rude, sarcastic a-hole who needs to demean someone else to feel good about myself. We were meant for each other. Take me out to dinner and a movie and I might let you come back to my place to do the laundry and a few dishes. How does that sound Mongo?

I totally don’t even know why I’m on this site. I mean, seriously, online dating is for losers and broken spirits. Why would I want a woman like that? Don’t any of you have any dignity whatsoever? Selling yourselves on the Internet like you were cheap dog food. No one will ever love you and respect you after they pick you up on this Ebay for whores. There’s nothing genuine about internet dating darling and you’re a little pathetic for even being here. All these sites are just another way to try to hide from reality. Go out in the real world, meet some real people and embrace life instead of sitting in front of your computer for days at a time sifting through the lies and bullshit people post here. Or hit me up sometime and we’ll go out for some drinks.

Bad Boy
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! I’m angry at life in general and I tend to throw violent tantrums because my childhood sucked. I’ve got tattoos, issues with my parents, and I’m on at least three kinds of drugs. But in reality my anger is just a defensive mechanism that I use to keep people from getting close to me. I don’t want anyone to see how fragile and needy I really am so I lash out in a sad attempt to hide my insecurities. I’m looking for a women who will mistake my displaced hostility for virility and strength. A woman who thinks she can save me with her love or who likes the whole ‘bad boy’ image because she has daddy issues. I’ll probably end up punching you in the face though, but that just means I love you.

Ego Tripper
I’m not Gods gift to women. My dick is Gods gift to women and he has his own account on here too. Seriously, I’m pretty friggin awesome. No, I don’t have money. If I did I would already have a woman and I wouldn’t need a dating site now would I? Still, I’m hot shit and we both know it. If my shit was any hotter it would be radio fucking active baby. I know I can be a little intimidating sugar cakes. Don’t hit me up unless you think you can handle this. I mean, you really can’t, but you should still think you can. What kind of woman am I looking for? I don’t know because frankly I’m too in love with myself to care about that.

My ideal woman is funny, intelligent and likes to play Magic the Gathering in her skimpies while wearing a Darth Vader mask. I’m probably the only guy on this site with an actual job and a future and one day after you’ve been hurt by all those ‘attractive’ guys out there you’ll see what a good catch I really am (thought honestly some fat chick will probably have snatched me up by then). You don’t even really have to be in love with me. Just make sure the level of torment you dish out is proportionally less than the pain of being alone and we’ll get along fine. I’m kind of homely, and sloppy and I’ve got lots of odd discolorations on my pillows, but with a little work I can be presentable. I’ll pretty much do anything you want as long as it doesn’t interfere with my nightly instance runs on World of Warcraft. It would be great if you were a gamer, but lets be honest, I’ll take anything with a vagina.

Serial Killer
I’m looking for my heart, my soul, that one woman in a billion who I’m destined to spend eternity with. There are so many shallow people in this world. So many liars and deceivers. I just want one person to open up and be honest with me. Someone I can really connect with on a spiritual level. I’m tired of all the games. Why can’t we just be real with one another? I’m looking for my one true love. I don’t know if she’s real or I’m just a romantic fool. I’ve nearly given up hope of finding her. But I’ve got to believe that there is someone out there who completes me. Where are you?

Hey. Whats up? I’m a dude. I’m like looking for a girl and shit. I don’t know. Lets like just kind of hang out and see what happens. I’m all for sex if you’re feeling it, so don’t be shy. I work at the Red Lobster washing dishes, so I eat pretty well. I’ve got all the snowcrab claws and half eaten baked potatoes you’d ever want. Do you like movies? I hacked my neighbor’s wifi and I’ve got Netflix on my Xbox. It’s totally cool and stuff. I live on my brother’s couch but he’s in jail for stealing cars so we’ll have the place to ourselves till he gets out. Hey, if you come bring some toilet paper, we just ran out.


About thelastmonte

I'm a ninja for hire An ice cube on fire A soothsayer and liar Deceitful, dashing and dire A menacing muse muddling meanings in the mire My mind tumbles around like a cat in a dryer When it comes down to the wire I get lit like a pyre Kicking hobbits out the shire In jet black attire like a cocaine supplier And I aspire to acquire your ire Oh, and I also do freelance work.
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