Women of POF


Plenty of Fish profiles should just be honest. These are the 10 types of women I tend to meet on POF:

Helpless

Hi, I’m young, pretty, athletic and my life is in shambles. I literally cannot handle anything on my own. I am utterly and completely helpless. I am looking for a man to clean up my life and get my shit together. My mommy and daddy took such good care of me that I never learned to be self-reliant. I’m not really a ‘pay bills’ or ‘get an education’ kind of girl. I’m pretty enough to get by on my looks alone and I know it. Look at my profile pic, I’m showing an obscene amount of cleavage!

Daddy Issues

I’m looking for a man who unconsciously reminds me of my daddy. My father was stunted emotionally and was never there for me. Because of that I will make you suffer immeasurably. You will always be trying to make up for his failings, but you never will. You really can’t win. Every time I look at you all I will see is the man who basically abandoned his affection starved daughter. I will love you only so that I can hate you. Basically I need an emotional punching bag to work out my issues on. And yes, we’ll have lots of angry, kinky sex but I’ll be completely disgusted with you afterwards.

Unrealistic Expectations

I have unreasonably high expectations for my life. I’m looking for a man who realizes that I am a queen and should be treated accordingly. I expect to be revered and romanced to an epic degree whether or not I am actually worth it. I think that I am the greatest thing on this earth because I am completely out of touch with reality and no amount of evidence will every convince me otherwise. Because my grasp of my own value is horribly skewed I will never get what I want and I intend to take out all my frustrations on you. I will choose to believe that it’s you’re fault that my life isn’t the perfect story book fairytale. I will never feel that you are truly worthy of me and I will resent you for that, even though in actuality you’re probably the best guy I will ever find.

Clingy

I am really really needy and I’m looking for someone that I can smother with affection. I really haven’t had a man in a long time (or ever) and I’m going to shove my love down your throat. I will literally love you to death. I will hold you and squeeze you so much that they will have to surgically remove me. I will basically stalk you even though we’re dating. I’ll make all your friends uncomfortable with how aggressively I will struggle for you’re attention. At least 30% of my body must be in contact with you at all times. I’ll call and text you incessantly at work. I’ll demand to spend every available moment with you and if you ever try to leave my presence for even an instant I’ll be utterly crushed because that means you don’t love me. I may have to kill you and keep your moldering corps in my closet.

Jealous

I’m looking for a man. Any man. I really don’t even have to like him. He just needs to accept that my only aspiration in life is to be jealous of ever other chick on the face of the earth. My purpose is to beat of poaching bitches that want to steal you away. I must defend my territory at all costs. The whole relationship thing is a distant second for me really. I could care less about who you are or what you’re aspirations might be. I will always feel that it is a never ending struggle to keep you faithful (whether you’re promiscuous or not) and that I must beat back the slutty tide of she-whores who want to steal you from me (which probably doesn’t exist). I hope you have some female friends because I’m totally going to stare daggers at them forever. I won’t like you’re mother either.

Self-esteem Eater

I need a man I can break. I’m looking for a scratching post to sharpen my claws on. My self-esteem is running a little low and I need someone just desperate enough to fall for my feminine wiles. You could be a great guy for all I know. But really, I don’t give a shit. You’re just cannon fodder for my ego. I’m attractive and smart, but also severely damaged. I need to hurt you to make myself feel better. I’ll make you love me and then I’ll mangle you’re heart so bad you won’t ever recover from it. But you’ll still probably consider the whole thing worth while because I have a great rack.

Penance

I’m smart, pretty, a hard worker and I’ve been hurt so often that I now associate negative attention with affection. I’m looking for a man who will cause me emotional and physical pain. Some terrible tragedy in my past has convinced me that I deserve to be tormented. And I’ll be a bitch until you give me what I want. I will totally trip out for no reason whatsoever until you learn that I need abuse on a regular basis. I will push you until you either leave me or make me suffer. Too much kindness freaks me out. Don’t be nice to me. It just makes me uncomfortable and I’ll make you pay for it later on.

Mother Superior

We can go out and stuff, just as long as you understand that I’m better than you. Lets face it, you’re a fucktard. I’d only go out with a troll like you because I’m afraid of really falling in love. I don’t have unreasonably high expectations and I’m not particularly interested in breaking hearts. I just need a man and there is no way I will ever trust enough to find someone who’s on my level. Your pathetic monkey ass is my compromise. I need you but I don’t like you and I never will. You’re several ranks lower than me both intellectually, socially and aesthetically. And because you suck so much I’ll be bitter and sour throughout our entire relationship but you’ll put up with it because I’m beautiful. I’m going to make fun of you and belittle you every chance I get. Oh…and don’t expect much in the way of affection or sex.

Baby Chaser

I’m looking for a man to impregnate me! You do not fucking understand! I need a baby fucking right now mother fucker!!! My biological clock is ticking and I will literally explode and kill you all if my demands are not met! I don’t care what you do for a living, what you’re background is or even if you have a name! Just give me your seed and commit yourself to the glory and wonder of parenthood immediately!!! I need children! I need little ones to validate my existence! My hormones and female instincts are literally driving me insane with motherly urges! You will knock me up this instant and then schedule us for birthing classes! NOW!!!

Miss Right

I’m looking for a nice, naive man who needs me to point out how he is wrong on a daily basis for the rest of his life. I want a guy whom I can correct and nag forever. My need to feel superior to everyone and everything is the driving force in my life. Lets face it, women were born with an innate sense of right and wrong. While men on the other hand are little better than savage chimp-dogs who would piss on the furniture if women-kind hadn’t housebroken them. I will care for you but only in a condescending, ‘oh look cute that retarded puppy is’ kind of way. I will always assume I know the best course of action in any given situation and I’ll be hurt and stunned if you ever disagree. And if something goes wrong or something breaks down I will automatically assign the blame to you. It was you’re fault because you’re a man and you can’t possibly do anything right.

(and unfortunately all of this turns me on)

Advertisements

About thelastmonte

I'm a ninja for hire An ice cube on fire A soothsayer and liar Deceitful, dashing and dire A menacing muse muddling meanings in the mire My mind tumbles around like a cat in a dryer When it comes down to the wire I get lit like a pyre Kicking hobbits out the shire In jet black attire like a cocaine supplier And I aspire to acquire your ire Oh, and I also do freelance work.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Women of POF

  1. Christina says:

    This was great1

    I might just be the first one 😦

  2. Mark says:

    Yup, its we’re such horn driven machines..I met the jelous one recently, before her I wouldn’t have believed this shameless behaviour could be as it reads above. but ohh dear…girls like this exist!
    the unrealistic expectation types entertain me and infuriate me in equal measures..

    thanks man, that made me think!

    • thelastmonte says:

      Glad you liked it, I’ve got one about men I’m about to put up actually. Got a girlfriend who’s on plenty of fish all the time and I couldn’t believe the nutjobs she met there.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s