The Breakup

So Tansy broke up with me a few days ago. Not that we were a couple or anything. And we still flirt (I think she actually flirts with me more now). I guess we broke up in the sense that she let me know there was no way I was getting any sex. Here’s our conversation:

thelastmonte: I was going to ask you out this weekend
Tansy G: Oh
thelastmonte: yes
Tansy G: Lol
(apparently she thought this was amusing)
thelastmonte: so…you wearing something sexy?
thelastmonte: something a little sexyful?
Tansy G: Wait when?
thelastmonte: I will take that as a yes.
Tansy G: I’m lost
Tansy G: Idk how to say this, but I just want to be friends
thelastmonte: thank god
Tansy G: Lol
thelastmonte: we can still have sex though right?
Tansy G: No
thelastmonte: Dammit!

I was a little upset at first. This is only the third time a chick has ever broken up with me. I’m usually the one who breaks hearts. I kind of figured she wasn’t that into me, but I followed that assumption up with a great big ‘yet’. Chicks love me. I’m amusing, smart, not all that bad looking and I hardly ever fart. I just didn’t get it. How could she just come out of the blue and dump me like that? I was hurt. But then it hit me. Everything became clear and I knew exactly what was going on. So I wrote her this letter:

Dear Tansy
I want you to know that I forgive you. It’s probably my fault for being too awesome anyway. There are lots of people who simply cannot sustain my level of greatness for more than a moment or two. I can’t blame you for being a little overwhelmed by my genius, my wit, my collection of colorful ties. You were probably scared, intimidated even. It’s all right my dearest Tansy. I know you didn’t mean to crush my heart into a brazilian pieces. I am a little intense. Not everyone can fly a kite in a hurricane. Sometimes the Wendys triple stacker baconater is too much for one person. I understand that and I forgive you. I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this. I think we’re going to chalk this one up as “it would never work out because Monte is just too darn wonderful.” Yeah. That has to be it. Because lets be honest, everyone adores me and thinks I am the center of the universe.

nom nom nom
“nom nom nom”

But oh how I will miss our talks. My hysterical one-liners. You’re omnipresent ‘lol’. God those were good times. I have to say that I thought fondly of you, on those rare occasions when I wasn’t watching videos of funny cats on the internet. I wondered what it would be like to linger on your lips. To hold you close under the cover of darkness. To feel the sting of an open palm slap across my face as I made lewd comments about your really hot sister. I’m going to go drown my sorrows in a bag of reeses peanut butter cup minies and porn. Hopefully I can recover from this spinning roundhouse kick to the heart. But really, I don’t know if that’s possible. You were the only chicklet who never stabbed me with a sharp object. You were special…

That Guy You Utterly Devastated But You Shouldn’t Feel Bad About It Because Whatever, He Doesn’t Need You Anyway Bitchtastica


About thelastmonte

I'm a ninja for hire An ice cube on fire A soothsayer and liar Deceitful, dashing and dire A menacing muse muddling meanings in the mire My mind tumbles around like a cat in a dryer When it comes down to the wire I get lit like a pyre Kicking hobbits out the shire In jet black attire like a cocaine supplier And I aspire to acquire your ire Oh, and I also do freelance work.
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