My dear friend Slade says I always have to take things to the extreme, even when we’re talking about extremes. He will propose something sadistic, amoral, and/or insane and yeah, sometimes I’ll add a little to it. That’s just how I am, it’s what I do. I’m a visionary. Well today he told me he wanted to include me in a pact he’d made with another guy. We’ll each pick two animals that we want to kill with primitive weapons (it’s a guy thing). They picked a grizzly bear, a Siberian tiger, an African lion, and a great white shark. As crazy as this is I immediately had a few ideas to take this plan to the next level. These are arranged in order of badassedness. (if you are easily offended or if you’re my exwife and you love to read things which easily offend you so that you can get pissed at me please don’t read this)
1 – Killing deer is relatively common. I know lots of people who’ve mounted the heads of this majestic forest creature upon their wall. And the animal always looks so stately with its black glass eyes and noble countenance crowned by a regal set of antlers. I’m going to beat one to death with a baseball bat. Yes, it’s dangerous. No doubt he’ll attack me. I consider it a battle between equals. But if I win, and I do intend to win, I want him to be mounted just as he fell. Busted, bruised face, broken antlers, tongue hanging out of his mouth. No, don’t clean up the blood, just leave it. It would disgrace the memory of a worthy adversary to try and hide the battle scars. He wasn’t some beloved pet who died of old age, he was an opponent that I totally fucked over with a goddamned baseball bat.
2 – We have this quaint little thing we do in the south called cow tipping. Run up to a sleeping cow and push it over. Ha ha, he he, ho ho, lots of fun or whatever. Well do you know what other kind of animal sleeps standing up but isn’t a complete pussy? A Rhinoceros, that’s who. Yeah, Rhino tipping! Of course, Rhino’s weigh upwards of seven thousand pounds, can move thirty miles per hour when they’re pissed and wield a 35 inch horn of death. But whatever, if god didn’t want us tackling killer herbivores in the dark then he wouldn’t have made beer…am I right? Fuck that near sited, grass munching unicorn. We’re going to get wasted, drive out into the African savanna at night and bowl his fat ass over. And yes, we will probably all die screaming and crying in the dark. So fucking what, it’s hard core!!!
3 – You don’t always have to kill an animal to prove you’re bad ass. Just humiliating the beast and stealing his pride can be enough sometimes. Wolverines are renowned for attacking bears ten times their size and chasing wolf packs away from their own kill. They’re ballsy little fuckers. Do you know what would knock the great glutton of the snowy north down a notch or two? Rape. That’s right, unwelcome sexual advances. I’m gonna wrestle a wolverine to the ground and violate him until he curls into a fetal position and sobs. I’m going to leave psychological scars that will never heal. After I’m through he wont be able to get close to anyone ever again. I will destroy him emotionally. He will never be able to wash the bitter taint of shame from his furry little soul.
4 – Tigers and Lions and Bears are tough, I’m not going to lie. Taking on one of those bastards with just a spear is ballsy to be sure. How can anyone possibly top that? I’m going to punch a Komodo Dragon in the face until he dies. I’m going to go after a poisonous, 500lb dinosaur with nothing but a pair of knuckle dusters and a raging hard on. I’m going to get all Brad Pit, Fight Club crazy on one of the most vicious, deadly reptiles in the world. No spears, no knives, just two rolls of quarters and The Eye of the Tiger blaring in the background while I rock this over grown gecko’s world. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee…a bee who’s arms have been wrapped in gauze then dipped in glue and glass so I can go all Blood Sport, Van Damme on this Jurassic Park reject!
5 – Crocodiles are huge fearsome beasts, but they have a glaring blind spot. Lure one on land, jump on his back and then you can shank him or do anything you want really. Once you saddle them they’re pretty much helpless. And you can’t kill a helpless animal unless it’s really funny or unless its so cruel that it’s really funny. But do you know what would be baddass? Riding a salt water croc down a water slide. Yeah, take that Steve Irwin! Imagine it, he’ll be flopping around, hissing and snapping up a storm while I’m laying into a tight corkscrew turn. Go ahead and deathroll bitch. You think that shit scares me? Not on my home turf, not here at Blue Bayou. This is my house, baby. You don’t death roll me, I death roll you! Each culture has it’s own unique rights of passage. This should be ours. This should be what American boys have to do to be considered men. Ride a thousand pound reptile bare back down a waterslide while yelling ‘krikie’. Then maybe terrorists might think twice before pissing us off.
6 – Ok, do you want to know the most bad ass thing I can possibly conceive of? Do you really want to know? Colossal Squid!!! Fuck Giant Squids. Colossal squid are 40ft long, have ten tentacles and each one is full of teeth like hooks (over 200) for holding and shredding prey, oh and it has a 15 inch beak. They go up against fucking whales. If this isn’t’ the ultimate battle then I don’t know what is. But we aint doing this thing in the sea. No, if we’re going all out then lets go all fucking out balls to the walls. I want to attack a Colossal Squid with a katana while we’re both freefalling through a hurricane…and theirs only one parachute. If I pull this off I expect to be king of the earth. No arguments, no negotiations, I’m emperor for life, end of discussion. Who’s going to oppose me when my supporters can say ‘That dude just slew a Kraken while plummeting through a goddam hurricane, give him the keys to the government and let him drive if he fucking wants to.’