Why I Should Be Your Ex-husband
I get the feeling that my ex-wife doesn’t appreciate me anymore. Has she forgotten all the benefits of having an ex-husband? And I’m a great ex if I do say so myself. But I can see the writing on the wall. She’s going to dump me. Well I got news for you darling, there are lots of chicks out there who’d love to have an ex-husband like me. So I’m putting the word out now. As of this moment I am taking applications. If you’ve been in the market for an ex-husband than look no further. Here is a list of some of the reason why you women out there need an ex-husband like me.
1 If you’ve never been divorced you’re missing out. The first benefit you get is attention. If you tell other women that you have me as an ex they immediately feel sorry for you. Then you get to tell the whole story of how it all seemed so perfect but then I didn’t treat you right or I cheated on you or I did obscene things with chicken-pot pies or whatever. And even though you tried and tried to make it work I’m just an Olympic level asshole. Imagine the sympathy and the encouragement you’ll receive. There’ll be lots of “Oh you poor thing” and the “You were too good for him” and maybe even a “My young underwear model of a brother just graduated from Med School and needs a woman like you”. It doesn’t really matter what you tell everyone I did. Just let me know the story so I’m not caught with my pants down (unless of course that was the reason we broke up).
2 You will also receive a measure of status amongst your peers. Having a professional ex-husband like me gives you the appearance of experience and worldliness. You’re not an innocent little girl anymore, all doe-eyed and naive. No ma’am, you’ve been through a hellish marriage that ended in a soul scaring divorce. Now you’re a strong independent woman who’s been tempered by the fires of tragedy. And of course this gives you the authority to butt into the relationships of any of your girlfriends. Why? Because you’ve been there before and you don’t want them suffering the same heartaches you’ve had to endure. Duh. A divorce is a license to meddle in the affairs of others. Feel free to be condescending towards them too.
3 Women require many things to lead a fulfilling life. Where men get confused is that a women’s needs often seem contradictory from one day to the next. They want romance, but they don’t want a sappy man. They oscillate from stubborn and take charge to needy and helpless in the blink of an eye. It makes them happy to cry over depressing movies. But perhaps the most overlooked factor in a woman’s psychological makeup is their need to get angry. It’s a scientific fact that chicks must go psycho super nova every now and again. And once a woman decides it’s time to get pissed there’s no stopping her. Even if nothings wrong she will find something. Now of course, this compulsion to go all bat-shit crazy can put a terrible strain on a relationship. And that’s where a good ex-husband comes in handy. The first rule about ex-husbandry it that they’re all dicks and they deserve it. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, even on Christmas, your ex-husband is a tool and he has it coming. You can be mad at him any time your crazy little heart desires and no one will think less of your for it. And this is the part where an experienced ex like myself really shines. Call me up, bitch me out, and I’ll act completely befuddled, like I don’t know what in the world I could have possibly done to piss you off this time (cuz lets be honest, I don’t). I’ll keep trying to reason with you, pretending to believe that there has to be some rational explanation for your outburst until I finally snap and start screaming incoherently. Once you’ve broken me it’s time to say something ugly about my mother and hang up abruptly. Later on you and you’re friends will have a gay old time huddled over cappuccinos heaping curses upon my name.
4 Additionally ex-husbands are a great excuse to make your current man change his behavior. Lets say your boyfriend has this bad habit of leaving his clothes on the floor of the bathroom no matter how much you nag him. He’s probably one of those mamma’s boys who was always waited on hand and foot. We’ll this ain’t the Ritz and you aren’t his maid so what are you going to do about it? It’s very easy, you tell him “Well that’s exactly what my ex-husband used to do.” Problem solved. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, the last thing your bf wants is to be associated with the most hated man in your universe. And this formula will work in any situation. “My ex was a lazy good for nothing who wouldn’t lift a finger to help around the house.” “My ex wasn’t one of those romantic types who would buy flowers.” “My ex didn’t think I was worth taking to that expensive restaurant.” This is the kind of twisted manipulation that is only available to a certified divorcee.
5 And that leads me into my next point, ex-husbands are a standard by which your other men must measure themselves. That’s why it’s important to have a decent looking, well spoken ex-husband like myself. All of your other guys will have to size me up and ask themselves, “Am I really better than this dude?” And lets face it, they’d better be. You certainly don’t want to take a step backwards. Ex-husbands set the bar. They’re a living notice that reads “You must be significantly better than this talking monkey or you ain’t gonna ride this ride.” It’s a subtle yet potent way to make your man think he has to try harder than he really needs to. Call me every once in a while to ‘just chat’. Keep a picture of me around so he’s reminded that until you get that ring he hasn’t won yet. When you’ve got a good ex-husband it keeps your boyfriends on their toes.
In conclusion I’d like to add that I believe every woman needs a good, well rounded ex-husband. There are literally a thousand and one uses for people with my unique skill sets. Even if you already have one it never hurts to upgrade. Maybe your current ex isn’t as attractive as you’d like. Maybe he’s tired of your incessant bitching and avoids you like the goddamn plague. Maybe he died in tragic car accident when you cut his brake lines. Who cares, trade him in anyway. Perhaps you’re getting up there in years. What would it do for your self-esteem if you had a younger man as your ex? Think of how jealous your friends would be. Or maybe you’re just new to the area and you need a good cover story to make your life interesting. “I just got out of a messy divorce and I’m looking for a fresh start” is a great tag line for any dating website. Whatever your reason, whatever your need, rest assure I’ve got you covered. I get the job done and I can take verbal abuse like it’s nobody’s business. Give me a call and lets you and me get divorced.