I was going to write a blog about the trials and tribulations of a professional pecan harvester, but then I thought to myself, no one wants to hear about your Wednesday. Instead I decided I’d write about my dearest friend Slade who is going away to the Navy Seals very soon. Although I know many odd, brilliant, twisted people, Slade is by far the luckiest. What follows is but a small account of the journey of Sladerick Von Trahan. This is as real and honest a depiction as someone such as myself is capable of making. It’s truer than not.
Odd facts about Slade:
-When I first met Slade he was 18 (i was in my mid twenties). My mother had taken him in cuz his parrents had kicked him out. In the year he dwelled with her he never once paid rent, never once mowed the grass, did the dishes or took out the trash or did anything for my mother. I just paid her water and electric bill. She still likes him better. And yet the only two people I have heard Slade say he actually feared were my exgirlfriend Marissa and my mother.
-At one point Slade and I were jobless. We did a number of things one might call (whats a good word for criminal that doesn’t make it sound quite so…criminal) dubious ventures, but this is by far my favorite. Slade went to a book store, walked into the back, picked up an armload of books, brought them to the front counter and attempted to ‘return’ them. Without a reciept the best they said they could do was put 60 dollars on a gift card that was also redeemable in their cafee. We ate fancy sandwitches and biscotties for two weeks.
-Slade was invited to try out for both the Navy Seals and Delta Force. He chose the Seals because and I quote “Nothing scares me more than the thought of swimming in the ocean at night through the carcas of a whale in shark infested waters”. Yes, you read that right. That was his reason ‘for’ joining the Seals. He also has a reoccuring dream where he battles a Great White shark under water, cuts out its teeth, skull f*cks it, and swims to the surface with the beasts jaw as a trophey.
-He once told me he’d kill me for a thrity dollar sack of pecans but that he’d use the money to buy a shovel to bury my body and a beer to toast my passing. He has assured me that if I ever called him Sladerick again he’ll rip out my soul through my ass an feed it to me. He promised me that no matter how I died he was going to take credit for it at my funeral.
-When he sweats he smells like old salami. He wears gloves on his feet everywhere he goes. He works out twice a day with olympic level furver. Currently he has a new ‘eating lifestlye’ which basically means he doesn’t eat any carbs. His diet consists of vegitables and fruits grown by prison inmates, lean meat from animals that have died in unspeakable anguish (better for your heart) and the souls of children with special needs.
-He could be a Grandmaster at chess if he so chose (he’s beaten Grandmasters), he could play video games professionally if he wanted (he’s that good), he scored so high on his Seals fitness test they thought he was cheating and made him retake it (seriously). He scored even higher on his retake (also seriously). Afterwards he informed everyone, ‘Because of what you have all witnessed me accomplish this day none of you will be able to maintain an errection for at least a week.’
-Women used to pay for his favor. No matter what group he enters he will always be the center of attention (those same people are frightened of me for some inexplicable reason). He’s one of those guys who can work poorly and be praised for it (on those rare occasions where he does actually work). He once attempted to attack a wild boar because he was mad that it startled him. He’s going deer hunting next week with a knife and has convinced a group of guys that this is a good idea.
-He works out at the health club early in the morning. The pool is never too cold for him to swim in. This past winter when there was snow outside he was swimming. In fact, he will on occasion tape a cube of ice to each nipple and tuck a few more betwixt his neathers because sometimes ‘near freezing conditions’ just isn’t kick ass enough.
-His mother introduces herself as ‘Slades Mom’ even to people who don’t know Slade. He once had a job where they paid him to go out and drink. He has a soft spot for those small hairy dogs that look like mops. It was almost half a year before he entrusted me with the location to his new house. His last words to me before going on his first cruise were ‘Don’t steal my tv.’
-He is one of the few people who both gets and laughs at nearly all of my jokes. He is the only person I’ve found who shares so many of the same tastes in books, music, movies and food. He’s the only person who I can tell all the crazy stuff I come up with to, and I mean all the crazy stuff, not just the watered down cool-aid I serve to others. He thinks I’m cursed and he thinks I’m a genius. I love him like a brother and I’ll miss terribly him while he’s away for all those years skull f*cking sharks for the Seals. I intend to have his dog stuffed and mounted and I’m going to hit on his wife the moment he’s out of the State.