So I broke up with my girlfriend of two years Rachael (Ray Ray). I’m still ‘seeing’ her though. But I’ve also got a bit of a thing for and old girlfriend who also happens to be one of my best friends, Caramel (Melly). I decided to write her a letter explaining my feelings. I figured, hey, I’m all wordy and shit. I can probably whip something up that will show her exactly how I feel about her. Strangely it did not have the desired effect. I’m usually so good at this kind of thing too. It went a little something like this.
My Dearest Caramel
I can no longer hold back the like…fucking…mega-tsunami of emotions and shit that I feel for you. I will have you as my very own. Make no mistake about that my sweet little cuntsicle. You will be mine and I will ravish you like the monsoons ravish the Serengeti bringing life and wonder where once there was only a wasteland of fucked-up-ed-ness. I adore you. I worship you. All of your pants legs will have stains where I will dry hump you. Bank on it, bitchtastica. I have such plans. Such marvels to share with you. Here are some of them:
-I want to build a compost heap with you. I want to grow big fat worms in the soil. And on a cool rainy April night I want to rut with you in the dirt and mud. I want the worms to slither up and around us in the throws of our passionate fuck-making. Let them probe and roam where they will. They’re like mother earths sex toys. Little subterranean dildos.
-I want to break into an office building with you and set it on fire. Surrounded by the blazing inferno, under the shower of the sprinklers, I want to rip your cloths off and devour you. I want to throw you on the bosses desk and stoke your embers till the burning need consumes us both in a volcanic eruption of lustiness. I want the firemen to watch as I hose you down.
-I want to get a float in the biggest parade around. I’ll make it high walled with a mattress in the middle and open to the sky. I want to make slow passionate love to you while the parade meanders through the heart of town. And everyone will wonder why nobodies on the float. But we’ll be there…naked. I want our blanket to be the shouts of a thousand people. I want the staccato drums of a marching band to be our KY jelly. I want to tie you down with plastic beads and make you scream ‘throw me something mister’ as we climax.
-I want to break into some ones house and use you like a whore all over their furniture. It probably needs to be someone who doesn’t own a dog. I don’t want no fucking dog biting my nads. We’ll christen their couch. We’ll leave mysterious fluids on their dinning room table. No, don’t cover your mouth. Don’t hold it in. I want them to hear us. Let them come and watch. Let them be shocked and enraged. Let the cops come and taze me while I pound you stupid.
-I want to put a mattress on wheels and roll it down a steep hillside street in a posh neighbor hood. I want to grind into you on a sticky summer night while we careen out of control. Yes, we’re going to crash. I don’t fucking care. Lets wreck. I want to be destroyed in your arms. I want to break and crumble on your lips. I want the neighbor hood to wake up the next morning and wonder why the fuck there’s a torn, bloody mattress laying in the middle of the goddam street.
-I want to break into a church, douse your naked flesh with holy water and the sacred blood of Christ and then desecrate you on the alter. I want your loins to be my Eucharist. I want to lose myself in your holy of holies. I want to bend you over the pews and make you read aloud from Revelations while I loosen and apocalyptic orgasm within you. And then I want to beg for forgiveness in your arms. Then I want to go find a Jewish synagogue.