My life has changed soooo much in the past year, it truly is amazing. Here are just a few of the things I’m thankful for in 2012:
1-I am thankful that all my exwifes and exgirlfriends haven’t banded together to destroy me. For surely if they pooled their collective hatred together they could obliterate me with the force of their anger alone.
(if science could harness the power latent in that evil we could solve the energy crisis)
2-I am thankful that 66.66% of my children have yet to realize that I make it all up as I go. I’m grateful that they’re smart, healthy, and still smaller and weaker than me. Matter of fact, I’m going to go hit one of my kids right now before they get too big.
(guess which one has me figured out)
3-I am grateful that my mom is a vampire. It sucks not having any mirrors in the house and the neighbors keep complaining about pets being bled dry, but otherwise, it’s good to know she’ll always be around. What would I do without the cheerful disposition and loving support of my undead mother?
(don’t look her directly in the eyes)
4-I’m grateful that Cracked.com has decided not to ban me. If I couldn’t write for Cracked I’d probably use my vast knowledge of plants and animals to become a super villain and hunt down anyone who’s ever slighted me.
(actually, I’ll probably do that regardless)
5-I’m grateful that my pregnant girlfriend, who has been psycho for the past several months, is now in love with me again. Like, all of the sudden, out of the blue, in a scary split personality kind of way. Even her family is no longer shunning me, although honestly that part was kind of cool. I felt like I had invisibility super powers.
(she could snap at any moment)
6-I’m grateful that my neighbors house burned down last month so that he and his 6 kids could move in here with me, my son and mother for an unspecified amount of time. It’s given us a chance to all get to know each other. It’s reminded us to be grateful for the little things we take for granted, like breathing space and toilet paper. Most of my underwear and socks have gone missing.
7-I’m grateful that the trailer park I do maintenance for owes me thousands of dollars. I’m sure I’d have just blown the money on crack or something. This way, at some undefined point in the future they might pay me something and it’ll be a surprise!
8-I’m grateful that the transmission in the van just went out. I hated that van and really, it was just going to get me in trouble anyway. There’s no AC, the windows don’t work, radiator leaks, the inspection sticker says April of 08, the plates and registration are expired and really, I don’t have a license anyway. It’s probably that best it broke down. I was tired of going to school and work anyway.
9-I’m grateful that my exwife is finally getting her PHD. I’m happy that I sacrificed and worked so hard for years to support her so that she could get a doctorate in French studies. Cuz really, you can use that shit anywhere, right? It’s probably good I dropped out of school to work at dead end jobs for a dozen years. Where was I ever going to use a degree in computer science anyway?
(Now I have to call her ‘Doctor’ Ex-wife.)
10-I’m grateful that my new dog loves me so much. She’s so happy to see me every day that I can’t help but to not hate her. Even though the dumb bitch runs away every chance she gets. I’m almost 40 and everyone in my family dies of heart disease. I’m pretty sure running after that stupid dog will either help me regain my youthful edge or give me a coronary. I think the slut managed to get pregnant somehow too.
11-I’m thankful for my sister Annie. I don’t know what I’d do without her. I have no idea why we’re suddenly getting along so well. I suspect it’s because she likes laughing at my life. Regardless, I love her and it’s a terrible shame that her youngest child is starting to look like me.
12-I’m thankful for my best friend/ex-girlfriend Caramel. She’s a whiny brat who cannot take care of herself and her life will probably end in a tragedy that will scar us all. However, she is also the evilest person I know (besides myself). She’s the only person I can really talk to. I can literally tell her anything…and she’ll only tell my exwife these personal secrets about half the time.
13-I’m thankful that I’m 38 years old and that everyone at this college is a kid. That doesn’t make me feel old, nope. And its probably not creepy at all for me to flirt with 18 year old girls when I literally have a daughter their age. Its like hey, don’t you see the gray in my beard?
14-I’m thankful for the gray hair in my beard. I’m only 38 years old and already I’ve got some lovely patches of silver. A fact which amuses my 30 year old girlfriend to no end. She loves nothing more than to remind me that I’m old. Oh, the receding hairline is nice too, thanks genetics!
15-I’m thankful for my endless sarcasm. Really, without the ability to subtly make fun of the people around me I would go insane(er). Oh god, a really cute chick half my age just sat down across from me in the computer lab. Please don’t smile at me. Please don’t smile at me. I can’t flirt with you. My pregnant girlfriend will literally set me on fire. Shit…now I’m going to have to move.