Bad Poetry: Star Wars Edition

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…I would do you.
I would do you just like Star Wars, specifically episodes IV through VI.
First I would take you back to my Sand Crawler and introduce you to my little Jawa.
We’d do it Sand People style, dirty and loud…and single file to hide our numbers
I’ll knock the fluff off of that Bantha
I’d sink my throbbing Rancor in your lusty Sarlacc pit
You’ll not find a more retched hive of scum and villainy anywhere…that beats my bedroom
What do you mean these aren’t the droids I’m looking for?
All they need is a couple D batteries and some Astroglide and we’ll make that jump to hyperspace baby
I’m gonna rock your world like Aderaan
Your climax will be like a thousand souls crying out…and then like, dieing horribly in space or something

You’re small moons have me locked in a tractor beam of desire
I know your reputation. I know even you get boarded some times.
I find your lack of faithfulness disturbing..ly arousing
Sometimes when I think of you I force choke the womp rat in my pants
You don’t know the power of the Dark Side…but you will once I whip out this lightsaber
It’s pointless to resist…but do it anyway. I like it.
I’m not your father, but you’ll be calling me daddy before the night is through
My Storm Trooper is coming for you girl and while he may be a little short he’ll still fit in your garbage shoot
I’m gonna fire my photon torpedoes all over your ventilation shaft
I’m going to make out with you like you were my sister

I need you like Han needed Chewie. Like R2 needed C3PO. Like Hayden Christensen needed acting lesions (or ‘lessons’, either one).
When your gone it feels like I’m buck-ass naked on Hoth
Being without you hurts worse than when that Wampa beast beat Luke stupid and hung him upside down like some kind of Jedi mistletoe
That’s why I’m opening my heart to you, like a smelly Tauntaun in the snow
Lower your shields darling so this space cowboy can go down on your Wookie and get to work
I’m going to stroke that Ewok till is purrs
Believe it baby, I’ll get you wetter than Dagobah in the rainy season
And then I’m going to ride you like a three legged At-At
Let me take you to Cloud City baby
I’ll show you how exactly hard my Carbonite really is

This terribly bit of poetry is dedicated to the one and only Jes Ham, one of the coolest chicks I know.

Happy Valentines Day to Everyone (but especially the nerdy chicks…and my girlfriend…who refuses to wear an R2 bathing suit for me unfortunately)

What I’m Thankful For 2012

My life has changed soooo much in the past year, it truly is amazing. Here are just a few of the things I’m thankful for in 2012:

1-I am thankful that all my exwifes and exgirlfriends haven’t banded together to destroy me. For surely if they pooled their collective hatred together they could obliterate me with the force of their anger alone.

(if science could harness the power latent in that evil we could solve the energy crisis)

2-I am thankful that 66.66% of my children have yet to realize that I make it all up as I go. I’m grateful that they’re smart, healthy, and still smaller and weaker than me. Matter of fact, I’m going to go hit one of my kids right now before they get too big.

(guess which one has me figured out)

3-I am grateful that my mom is a vampire. It sucks not having any mirrors in the house and the neighbors keep complaining about pets being bled dry, but otherwise, it’s good to know she’ll always be around. What would I do without the cheerful disposition and loving support of my undead mother?

(don’t look her directly in the eyes)

4-I’m grateful that Cracked.com has decided not to ban me. If I couldn’t write for Cracked I’d probably use my vast knowledge of plants and animals to become a super villain and hunt down anyone who’s ever slighted me.

(actually, I’ll probably do that regardless)

5-I’m grateful that my pregnant girlfriend, who has been psycho for the past several months, is now in love with me again. Like, all of the sudden, out of the blue, in a scary split personality kind of way. Even her family is no longer shunning me, although honestly that part was kind of cool. I felt like I had invisibility super powers.

(she could snap at any moment)

6-I’m grateful that my neighbors house burned down last month so that he and his 6 kids could move in here with me, my son and mother for an unspecified amount of time. It’s given us a chance to all get to know each other. It’s reminded us to be grateful for the little things we take for granted, like breathing space and toilet paper. Most of my underwear and socks have gone missing.

7-I’m grateful that the trailer park I do maintenance for owes me thousands of dollars. I’m sure I’d have just blown the money on crack or something. This way, at some undefined point in the future they might pay me something and it’ll be a surprise!

(yeah, crack)

8-I’m grateful that the transmission in the van just went out. I hated that van and really, it was just going to get me in trouble anyway. There’s no AC, the windows don’t work, radiator leaks, the inspection sticker says April of 08, the plates and registration are expired and really, I don’t have a license anyway. It’s probably that best it broke down. I was tired of going to school and work anyway.

9-I’m grateful that my exwife is finally getting her PHD. I’m happy that I sacrificed and worked so hard for years to support her so that she could get a doctorate in French studies. Cuz really, you can use that shit anywhere, right? It’s probably good I dropped out of school to work at dead end jobs for a dozen years. Where was I ever going to use a degree in computer science anyway?

(Now I have to call her ‘Doctor’ Ex-wife.)

10-I’m grateful that my new dog loves me so much. She’s so happy to see me every day that I can’t help but to not hate her. Even though the dumb bitch runs away every chance she gets. I’m almost 40 and everyone in my family dies of heart disease. I’m pretty sure running after that stupid dog will either help me regain my youthful edge or give me a coronary. I think the slut managed to get pregnant somehow too.

11-I’m thankful for my sister Annie. I don’t know what I’d do without her. I have no idea why we’re suddenly getting along so well. I suspect it’s because she likes laughing at my life. Regardless, I love her and it’s a terrible shame that her youngest child is starting to look like me.

12-I’m thankful for my best friend/ex-girlfriend Caramel. She’s a whiny brat who cannot take care of herself and her life will probably end in a tragedy that will scar us all. However, she is also the evilest person I know (besides myself). She’s the only person I can really talk to. I can literally tell her anything…and she’ll only tell my exwife these personal secrets about half the time.

13-I’m thankful that I’m 38 years old and that everyone at this college is a kid. That doesn’t make me feel old, nope. And its probably not creepy at all for me to flirt with 18 year old girls when I literally have a daughter their age. Its like hey, don’t you see the gray in my beard?

14-I’m thankful for the gray hair in my beard. I’m only 38 years old and already I’ve got some lovely patches of silver. A fact which amuses my 30 year old girlfriend to no end. She loves nothing more than to remind me that I’m old. Oh, the receding hairline is nice too, thanks genetics!

15-I’m thankful for my endless sarcasm. Really, without the ability to subtly make fun of the people around me I would go insane(er). Oh god, a really cute chick half my age just sat down across from me in the computer lab. Please don’t smile at me. Please don’t smile at me. I can’t flirt with you. My pregnant girlfriend will literally set me on fire. Shit…now I’m going to have to move.

Black Terror and the Cave Gator

Go check out my other Black Terror comics on RealToyGun.com!

Hurricane Part II

 Dear Friends, Acquaintances, Sworn Enemies, and Scantily Clad Females,

You must all be aware by now that I live in Louisiana.  I am not exactly clear as to what tipped you off.  Maybe it was my accent.  The way I profane the English language with my every slurred utterance.  Perhaps it was my rampant drunkenness…my insipid, indolent, incontinent inebriation.  Maybe it’s the way I try to string together words whose meanings I am not entirely sure of.  Though, honestly, I suppose it could have been the smell.  The cloying scent of old crawfish, dank bayous, and broken dreams wafting up from my posts probably clued you in.  Whatever the case, I’m sure you all know by now that God hates Louisiana and hurricanes are the instrument of his righteous holy rage. 

I’m writing this to let you all know I will probably be offline for a few days.  Where I live we always lose power.  So if you don’t hear from me, I don’t want any of you to assume the worst.  No, it would be far better if you assumed the worst times a factor of 10.  Crank it up a few notches.  Anyone can fret around thoughts like ‘gosh, I hope Monte’s not dead’.  That’s kind of clichéd though, don’t you think?  Dull and boring.  How about instead you worry that I died because I went out to wrestle the hurricane with my bare hands and though it was a close contest I ultimately lost.  I died a hero’s death while grappling with the physical manifestation Mother Nature’s fury.  And ultimately I succumbed to these primal forces not from any fault or weakness of my own, but because I felt compassion for the storm and I let it win.  Perhaps somewhere in our contest of wills I fell in love with the swirling madness and the howling rage of the tempest.  (She actually sounds a lot like everyone I’ve ever dated.)  How could I destroy something so beautiful and untamed?  The wet kisses of her rain.  The dazzling flash of her electric eyes.  The passionate currents of her 100 mph gale force needs.  Who am I to smite the storm?  (Lets also pretend for the sake of argument that her name isn’t ‘Isaac’)

That’s what you should all assume when I fail to report in on Thursday.  That Monte Richard wooed a churning maelstrom of death wearing nothing but mismatched socks and a three dollar smile.  And then he was probably decapitated by an uprooted mailbox traveling at half the speed of sound.  It was pretty gruesome.  I can petty much guarantee there won’t be an open casket at the funeral.  Oh, and I’d also just discovered the formula for endless free energy and the cure for ugliness, but now I’ve taken those secrets to my grave and the knowledge is lost to mankind forever.  My passing is not just a traumatic loss for the whole world, but also for the countless generations in the future who will not be able to benefit from my awesomeness. 

I’ve got bottled water and a flashlight though, so really I should be fine.  Still, you never know.
Love
Monte

Birthday Party

I remember when I was a kid my grandfather let out a big fart in public.  He didn’t apologize, didn’t shrug, didn’t even acknowledge that it had happened.  He just didn’t care.  I never understood that as a kid.  I did now.  Standing there in front of my exwifes friends, her boyfriend and some of his family, I just did not care. 

            “You’re a fucking dumbass Julie, you know that!” 

            It’d been a while since I’d gotten that mad.  A couple years ago I beat up an exgirlfriend’s boyfriend.  I barely remember the fight.  I was madder than that now.  His name had also been Ronnie.

            “Don’t you use that kind of language around me.”  I think she was shocked.  She hadn’t seen me this incensed in over a decade at least.  But what did she expect?  I show up to a rainy park on the other side of town to attend my childrens birthday party and the first thing she tells me is she’s going to go pick up her deranged brother, Ronnie.

            “I’ll say whatever the fuck I want!  Are you seriously going to go get your brother who you swore you’d never speak to again and who just got out of a fucking insane asylum?”

            At that point exwife lady paused.  Her eyes quickly darted over the small crowd huddled beneath the wet pavilion. 

            “You didn’t have to bring up the asylum, Monte.  That was private.”

            There were so many things I could have said but didn’t.  Anger clouded my brain to the point where I could not think. 

            “He’s nuts!  I don’t want him around my kids!”

            “Well he’s my brother and I’m going to go get him.”

            “Fine!  Then I’m leaving!”

            “Good, go!”

            I turned to leave.  My pregnant girlfriend who I hadn’t seen in a few weeks was there.  We were having problems and this was neutral ground.  I’d really wanted to talk to her.  I wanted an excuse to be around her.  And my sister hadn’t gotten there yet.  She had made the cake.  Amy made the best confectionary treats in the whole world.  I wasn’t leaving without some fucking cake.

            “I’m not going anywhere!”

I sat down and seethed for the next fifteen minutes.  No one spoke to me.  They all went back to their conversations as if nothing had happened.  I’m the ex-husband after all.  Being an asshole is a given.

            Later my girlfriend (who currently kind of hates me too) told me I should give Ronnie a chance.  I almost laughed.  She didn’t know Ronnie.  None of them did.  It had been that long since Julie had seen him.  She’d gotten a whole new life with new friends since they’re last encounter.

Ronnies got a peculiar charisma.  An odd kind of charm that’s difficult to define.  It helps to disguise the fact that he’s mad.  In fact, charm is probably the only thing that has gotten him through life.  He hasn’t ever really worked…ever.  His longest job was a few months as a reserve cop in a small town.  And then they only paid him when they really really needed help.  They eventually fired him for macing a woman in the face when she didn’t follow his traffic directions during a festival.  That is the highlight of his work career.  He’s failed the psychological examination at a few other police agencies across the state.  And these were desperate hick towns who were willing to do just about anything to get more officers.  From then on he bounced from job to job only lasting a few days generally.  How did he survive?  His wife worked.  Other people tend to feel sorry for him and help him out.  That kind of stuff.  He’s got a degree in criminal justice and math.  To my knowledge his wife doesn’t have any sort of degree.

Ronnie is now in his mid thirties.  He’s got a child or two.  I don’t know why it took Daniel so long to leave him, but she finally did.  Maybe it’s because he alienated her from her family and forbade her from speaking to them.  It’s hard to leave when you have no place to go.  But just recently she did finally get fed up.  We all knew it would happen eventually.  Ronnie apparently wrote some letter declaring war on the United States (he’s half Iranian, but has never been to Iran).  She had him committed and used the opportunity to pack up and leave. 

He spent a few weeks in the nut house before they let him go.  So now he and Julie have renewed their relationship.  He’s not back in her life because he’s changed or anything.  He’s back because he’s apparently crazier than ever and has no one else to turn to anymore!  Julie always forgives him.  She’s a woman, she can’t help it.  It’s always the same story though.  They’ve done this dance too many times to count.  They get along for a time until he starts to go nuts.  But my fear is that he gets more and more violent every time.  For their last fight he physically attacked Julie and her father (they ended up locking him in the garage).  When I last knew him he carried a gun everywhere he went, even to religious meetings.  I’d be surprised if he hadn’t brought one to my kids party (or at least a knife or something).  I’m afraid of this dude, he’s unstable.  I don’t want him around my kids.  The fact that Julie invited him to the party out of the blue was just fucking unbelievable.  I think losing my shit was ok given those circumstances. 

Ronnie was once my best friend.  We hung out all the time.  Roomed together once or twice.  When we were young I thought it was cool that he was quirky.  I figured he’d grow out of it.  He never did.  He only got worse.  He suffers from paranoid delusions.  People were always following him, watching him.  Once he put some college kids in the hospital when he ran a red light.  He was convinced someone was following him and he was trying to get away.  He used to tail ‘suspicious’ people all over town.  Once when we were living on the second floor of an apartment I helped him repel out of the back window with an extension cord because someone in another building was watching him.  Like I said, it’s funny when you’re young.  It starts to get old really quick though.  In his early twenties he deflowered a 14 year old girl and then assaulted her father in the mans own house.  There are lots and lots of stories like that.  But they all end the same.  He’s crazy.

Me and Julie had difficulties after our divorce, but we found a way to get along.  We have a good relationship now.  Ronnie hated me when we broke up.  He was instrumental in making all of our mutual friends hate me as well.  There were actually three sides to the divorce, mine, Julie’s and Ronnies.  Every time he visited Julie he reassured my youngest daughter that yes, he was going to have me thrown in jail one day, at which point she would sob.

I didn’t throw a fit when he arrived at the party.  I mostly ignored him.  Ate my cake and then left.  It was a homemade double layer cookie cake with toasted marshmallows on top.  As I watched my diabetic ex-wife shovel it down I nodded to myself.  Yes, she’s a fucking dumbass.  All her new friends out there who’ve never met Ronnie be warned.  One day he’s going to start shooting people.  Thank god I have spare kids.

Utility Belts

“Holy shit, Batman! It looks like Fonzie Dracula has teamed up with furry lifestyle enthusiast Miss Mittens!”

And now I will rant about the 1960′s Batman and Robin…
What the hell is up with Batman’s utility belt? Just look at it. He’s got a series of wide, yet wafer thin square pouches encircling his waist (and a small cylinder that appears to be a tampon container). What the fuck is he going to carry in there? Various flavors of Poptarts? Slices of cheese? A copy of TV guide? His belt containers are quarter inch thick squares. Seriously, what type of bat-themed device could possibly conform to that kind of shape? Maybe he could put some wetnaps in there or something. For all we know he could be carrying around a Wilson Philips CD for Commissioner Gordon and he’s waiting for ‘just the right moment’. Perhaps he’s got a small shaving mirror in case he has to deal with bat-stubble while out on patrol. I don’t know, but one this is certain, there is nothing stashed in the micro thin folds of his handy dandy utility containers that will save the day when everything goes to shit. There is no way he’s got a batarang, bat cuffs, shark repellent or anything useful tucked into that marigold bandoleer. At the best he’s probably packing some coiled up yarn, a half melted Nestles Crunch and a crumpled note from the Riddler that smells like sweat and old semen. My advice? Get a back pack or something. I’m sure they make those in neon sunburst gay.

“Stop laughing at my bat boner….and my moobs.”

But that’s still better than his crimson clad sidekick. Can Robin really claim to be wearing a ‘utility belt’? At least Batman’s has pouches (thin and useless though they be). The boy wonder looks to have a total of six small tubes. If he puts them all together he’s got a spit ball gun maybe, but otherwise what the hell is he going to carry? He’s only got enough volume in those half dozen vials for a small bundle of toothpicks, a pair of Q-tips, some lip balm, tweezers, a lone safety match, and four tick tacs (five if you stack them just right). That is the extent of Robin’s utility storage capacity. He possesses all the power and crime fighting technology of a poorly stocked medicine cabinet. I’ve seen homeless beggars better equipped than this guy. Regular fucking pockets would be more useful than what he’s wearing. Does he realize that a fanny pack from the dollar store would increase his gadget carrying capacity by roughly 5000%. A Walmart shopping bag with holes in the bottom would be an improvement.

Basically…1960′s Batman was crazy. And if you doubt that then answer me this; why does he have florescent eyebrows drawn on his mask?

X Stupid Looking Animals (With Incredible Super Powers)

X Stupid Looking Animals (With Incredible Super Powers)

Cracked.com is without a doubt the worlds leading authority on animals with powers and super senses. We’ve covered bugs with abilities that put Spider Man to shame, birds that prove Hawk Man is a wuss, fish who would murderize Aquaman and don’t even get us started about ants (boy do we know some stuff about ants). There are many extraordinary critters in the world, but not all beasties are born equal. Majestic creatures like the Golden Eagle and the Bengal Tiger are actually exceptions to the rule. Mother Natures children can’t all be Chris Hemsworths or Ryan Goslings. In truth much of the wild is filled with Nick Noltes, Danny Trejos, and the occasional Steve Buscemi. Though they are undoubtedly possessed of unearthly abilities that dwarf the puny endowments of average mortals…no one pretends they aren’t ugly. Likewise, these creatures here are the Ron Perlmans of the animal kingdom. The craggy, homely, snaggletoothed bastards that evolution has seen fit to imbue with serious kickass skills.

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/07/the_10_nerdiest_roles_of_ron_perlman.php

“We love you Ron, you big ugly cuss (please don’t hurt us).”

The Klipspringer (Ross’s part)

http://www.thefeaturedcreature.com/2012/02/rabbit-antelope-of-africa-klipspringer.html#axzz1qceI0epr

The African antelope known as the Klipspringer (with the scientific name of Oreotragus oreotragus, outrageously) is found on the rocky outcroppings, or kopjes, of eastern to southern Africa. Not the most visually impressive of ungulates, this stunted antelope only stands about 22 inches high at the shoulders, has ears that are actually bigger than its horns and eyes that look like it applied too much mascara prior to a prom night tragedy. Both males and females mark their territory by way of the facial stink emanating from their preorbital glands, and are one of the few truly monogamous mammals, preferring to stay in breeding pairs rather than slut-filled herds.

http://www.pbase.com/image/74670312

Herd behavior is a lot like the parties your mother used to go to in the 70s

“Klip” is Dutch for rock, and so their name translates to “rock jumper” in Afrikaans, which is highly appropriate. All hoofed animals technically walk on their toes, but only the Klipspringer minces around on the very tippy tips like some sort of French waiter. The surface diameters that their toes touch are only about the size of a dime. It’s comparable to a human ballet dancer deciding that dancing on her toes wasn’t hardcore enough, and performing pirouettes and grand jetes on her toenails.

http://cuteoverload.com/2009/03/18/awesome-platfor/

It’s exactly this feature that allows the Klipspringer its amazing agility around the craggy surfaces that it calls home. They can jump higher than any mammal. They have the ability to spring as high as 25 feet (which is 15 times their own height), and their dainty pussyfooting style allows them to land onto surface areas no larger than a silver dollar with all four feet, presumably while laughing as pursuing leopards scrabble around like they’re wearing kitchen mitts on a mountain made of nickels.

http://cuteoverload.com/2009/03/18/awesome-platfor/

Frustrated predators needn’t bother staking out a water hole to give their overly bouncy prey some comeuppance, as the Klipspringer has no need to drink, deriving all the water it needs from the succulents it eats. Another strange aspect of this antelope is its coarse coat, which is made up of hollow hairs that actually rustle when shaken or touched. Not that you’re likely to get close enough touch one, weirdo.

http://www.thefeaturedcreature.com/2012/02/rabbit-antelope-of-africa-klipspringer.html#axzz1qceI0epr

Pink Fairy Armadillo (Ross’s part)

http://a-z-animals.com/animals/pink-fairy-armadillo/

In one of the worst cases of adding insult to injury that we’ve ever seen, we have the rather unfortunate looking Argentinean Chlamyphorus truncatus armadillo, which in addition to having been cursed with looking like an infected big toe has also been saddled with the common name, “pink fairy”. This nocturnal animal (would you come out during the day if your mother named you that?) is the smallest of all armadillos, and makes the kind we all know from the bloated carcasses on the shoulders of American southwestern freeways somehow look majestic in comparison.

[img width=300]http://i1181.photobucket.com/albums/x430/erhendr/armadillo1.jpg[/img]

http://argonauticos.blogspot.com/2010/04/curlers-and-lepers.html

An impressive feat

Why exactly evolution decided that the color pink was the best way to go for the carapace and claws is a bit of a mystery, but we do know unfortunately that this armadillo is endangered due to human destruction of its habitat, domestic dogs and possibly homophobia. They tend to be pretty sluggish when they’re wobbling around above ground, but as you may have guessed from the size of those backhoes they call front feet, it’s below ground where they really shine.

http://www.realmonstrosities.com/2011/04/pink-fairy-armadillo.html

We haven’t seen nails like that since our last visit to the DMV

Those gigantic claws, combined with the peculiar formation of their carapace allow it to completely bury itself in seconds when they feel threatened. All bands of the shell across the neck and body move separately and freely, allowing it great mobility once underground where they can virtually “swim” through the dirt and sand. They use this ability to maneuver themselves next to ant colonies where they can attack the ants (their primary food source) from an unexpected direction.

http://creepyanimals.com/2009/11/pink-fairy-armadillo/

Lex Luthor just got a great idea

You know how a band of lions is called a “pride” and a “murder” of crows means a flock of them? Well, as a final slap in the face to the dignity of pink fairy armadillos, a group of them is referred to as a “fez”. We’re not sure what these guys did to piss off the scientific community, but back off people, they’ve had enough. Seriously.

http://www.thefeaturedcreature.com/2010/08/pretty-in-pink-pink-fairy-armadillo.html#axzz1rqy2UvcN

I already live underground and hide during the day. Why do you people keep fucking with me?

Elephantnose fish

http://www.fsbio-hannover.de/oftheweek/63.htm

The Elephantnose fish got it’s name because of it’s stupid stupid face. And even though that ridiculous looking appendage is actually on its chin the name stuck. And besides, Megachin sounds more awesome than an aquarium dweller probably deserves anyway. But there’s more to this fish than meets the eye, which is good because the Elephantnose Fish spends most of its life in darkness, only venturing out at night to find food and host the Tonight Show.

So how does this fish maneuver and find food in the dark? You may think it uses it’s face-phallus to feel its way around, but that then would be dumb. No, this fishes mouth-schlong lets it perceive the world around it in ways that could almost make Daredevil believable as a Superhero, using the power of Electrolocation. Which is apparently like echolocation, only with electricity, and possibly magic.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/08/070821114339.htm

It does have a wand…

The Elephantnose fish (Gnathonemus Petersii to its friends) has a special organ in its tail that it uses to generate a small electrical charge. Receptors in it’s chin-wang are able to sense the way this electrical field interacts with their surroundings. It then sweeps this jaw-dong across the sea floor like a metal detector to find its favorite food, the carcasses of delicious dead insect larvae. That’s right, it evolved an extremely elaborate and unique sensory organ to eat dead bugs. It’s no big trick to sense the electrical impulses given off by living creatures. Sharks and rays do that all the time. But the Elephantnose fish can detect things that no longer have a life force. It can identify microscopic corpses rotting in the muck by measuring their capacitative properties, i.e. their ability to store charges.

In other words it uses a ‘Sixth Sense’ to see ‘dead people’.

Studies of the Elephantnose’s abilities have also proven it’s able to identify different shapes, materials, sizes, and the volume of different objects in total darkness as well as measure distances to within a few millimeter, just by using electrolocation. They also use this Schnauzenorgan for mating, but not in the way you’re thinking (pervert). If they did, you probably would have heard of this fish by now. And Science would have given it a better name.

http://www.aquariumfish.net/catalog_pages/wild/elephant_nose.htm

Gnathonemus RonJeremii perhaps.

Axolotl
Despite it’s amazing abilities the Axolotl would probably never make it into the Super Friends. Superman juggles speeding bullets, is more powerful than a train, and is able to leap over really tall stuff (not to mention he can fly so fast around the earth that it reverses time itself). Wonder Woman has an invisible plane, a lariat of truth, and an amazing rack. Batman grumpy and super humanly wealthy. The axolotl on the other hand doesn’t even own a single pair of spandex tights and can only list ‘recovers amazingly well from an ass kicking’ on his resume.

http://blogs.canoe.ca/parker/tag/axolotl/

Look at him. He’s just begging for an ass whoopin.

Axolotls are masters of regeneration though. They can grow back lost limbs, eyes, jaws, their heart and parts of their brain. No other vertebrate has such incredible regenerative abilities. On rare occasion, they will generate two legs to replace one that they’ve lost. Why? Because screw you, leg-eater—that’s why! They also readily accept transplants from other axolotls. Basically if you had a bunch of spare axolotl parts laying around you could squish them all together and it would get up and walk away (probably). It’s mutant healing factor allows the axolotl to integrate it or regenerate it. All it needs now are a few claws, adamantium laced bones and a rugged antihero Canadian hairstyle.

http://freeamazingimages.com/

“I’m the best at what I do and what I do ain’t pretty…also, I look like a frilled penis with legs.”

It is the Axolotl’s unique body part manufacturing capability and the possible implications for humans, that accord it real life superhero status though. Researchers have isolated the gene that enables cells at the site of their wound to grow into skin muscle or bone. Furthermore, some of the axolotl’s healing genes resemble those responsible for healing in humans. Further furthermore, researchers have been able to grow muscle cells in mice by implanting the mutant axolotl gene. Molecular cell biologist and geneticist, Elly Tanaka explains the implications for humans of the regenerative gene. Spoiler alert: get used to the stump.

Iron Snail
There are over five-dozen characters with the name Iron in their name have appeared in comic books throughout the decades. From the justly famous like Irona, Richie Rich’s robotic maid (who will one day pneumatically usher him into manhood), to the obscure; Iron Hands, Iron Masks, Iron Maiden, Iron Chef and Robert Downey Jr.

But do you know what you don’t see in that list? The Scaly-foot Gastropod (Crysomallonsquamiferum). It is a tragic oversight because this diminutive beast has an amazing power. The power of IRON! And possibly love, though that’s not referenced in the sciency articles. Discovered in a hot curry vent somewhere in the Indian Ocean this super-snail employs such a revolutionary design it might change the way certain products are manufactured.

http://inhabitat.com/three-layered-snail-shell-inspires-better-body-armor/

Don’t let the fact that from the side it looks like he is a visor-slot away from being the best Robo-Cop cosplayer in the animal kingdom or that from the underside he looks like your girlfriends’ sporting some new scale mail birth control (that would be AC 6, (5 with a shield) for those that hew to the old ways of AD&D).

http://inhabitat.com/three-layered-snail-shell-inspires-better-body-armor/

“If you know what scale mail is then there is a good chance you don’t have a girlfriend, but trust us the resemblance is distrac..urbing.”

You can call him the Scaly-foot Gastropod or if you prefer you can use his wrestling name, ‘The Iron Snail’. He can in ways not yet determined by snailologists, metabolize iron sulfides and use them to armor his outer shell. This is a real super-power and no other living thing on Earth can do it. The shell is so tough crabs are thought to dull their claws trying to break through to get to the sweet and juicy mollusk-flesh within. Leading to much mocking in crab after-hours bars. This brainless snail at the bottom of the ocean has more success getting rid of crabs than a local fraternity does.

http://i.livescience.com/images/i/5236/i02/snail-foot-100310-02.jpg?1296084187

“Although you might want to get that rust looked at.”

The shell consists of three parts: The metal studded outer shell, a thick-spongy middle bit and then a normal calcium carbonate layer, all protecting the chewy tootsie pop-like critter in the center. When damaged the outer shell cracks in such a way that the force is radiated outward via micro-cracks and this insures that the cracks do not get any larger. The spongy middle further dissipates the force thus leaving the relatively fragile inner shell undamaged.

This ability has attracted the attention of research groups who would like to incorporate these designes into items for non-snailish users such as motorcycle helmets, pipelines and body armor. Now governments, private science labs and militaries are probably going to spend years and hundreds of dollars trying to duplicate what this snail does naturally. But why waste the time and money doing that when you could just start an Iron Snail ranch (which, hopefully, would be totally unlike Nevada’s Bunny Ranch) and grow enough of the little guys that you could just strap them to yourself. As an added bonus, if the wearer is hurt the properly-trained snails can crawl him away from danger. There is literally no downside!

Flying Squid

http://www.factzoo.com/invertebrates/japanese-flying-squid-leaphing-cephalopod.html

We’ve mentioned before that you aren’t safe from the horrors of spiders even underwater, so it’s only fair that we point out that one of the most terrifying creatures in the sea can totally get you outside of the water.

Most of you have probably heard of flying fish at one point or another– the fish that leap out of the water and use their wing-shaped fins to glide safely away from predators. But if there was ever a sea creature that appears to have no aerodynamic capabilities whatsoever, it’s the squid. You’d have to be stupid to actually believe that one of those writhing masses of tentacles could fly, right?

http://www.jungny.com/carl.jung.25du.html

Not pictured: When it latches onto your face and lays eggs in your stomach.

So if flying fish are famous, why hasn’t anyone heard of flying squid? Mainly because they are preyed upon by birds, so they are more likely to jump out of the water at night when birds (and humans) are less able to see them. Plus, at a distance, they are easy to mistake for these flying fish that everyone is raving about. Plus, unlike the flying fish, the flying squid aren’t one particular species. Because this behavior is so recently observed, we aren’t even sure how many types of squid can do it yet. That’s right, for all we know they could all fucking fly. Not only is it a super power but it’s also a goddamn secret they’ve apparently been hiding.

But when it comes to the actual flying, the squids kick the fishes asses. They can glide across the ocean’s surface for more than 150 feet at a time, and at recorded speeds that are five times faster than they can move in the water. In fact, the distance they can fly is limited only by the wind, and some scientist believe it is more similar to actual flight than gliding.

The “flying” is done to save precious energy on long migrations during mating season. So how can these tentacled monsters of the deep launch themselves up from under the ocean and into your nightmares? With a little thing called jet propulsion.

You know how it works even if you think you don’t. Next time you drink something with a straw, pull the straw out of the drink but cover the top with your tongue to keep the liquid inside and spit it all over your lover. Now laugh at them. Congratulations, you just used jet propulsion to make that work…and your single again.

Squids suck water into their body and spit it back out to move. Imagine having to pee underwater so bad that when you finally succumb to the urge, it shoots you entirely out of the water.

http://articles.latimes.com/2012/feb/21/business/la-fi-tn-squid-rocket-science-20120221

“Think ‘golden shower’ but as a means of propulsion.”

The flying squid is generally found in the northern Pacific (including the Russian and Alaskan coast), where it cruises the surfaces looking for drug smugglers in speedboats (citation needed). Flying squid were considered a myth until 2010 when a British tourist took high-quality photos of one off the Japanese coast. “Considered a myth”, even though National Geographic had a film of one as early as 1970, and Thor Heyerdahl, the famed Norwegian anthropologist, and one of the biggest-balled men who ever lived, reports having seen them while on his Kon-Tiki voyage. And he has no reason to lie.

http://www.dolphinphotos.co.uk/section525908.html#photos_id=8250701

How did we miss this? They’re even shaped like airplanes.

Naked Mole Rat

http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Publications/ZooGoer/2002/3/nakedmolerats.cfm

“Evil has a new enemy…and it looks like he stayed in the bath tub too long.”

Behold the naked mole rat of Africa in all its pink, wrinkly glory. What kind of skills could this freakish bratwurst with teeth possibly have? Well, besides it’s ability to exude a special kind of nude repulsiveness, it was recently discovered that naked mole rats don’t feel pain like the rest of us. Their skin lacks several key neurotransmitters so neither the burn of acid nor chili peppers affects them. Apparently they aren’t bothered by itches either, so we’re guessing venereal diseases aren’t really a problem. Because they live underground where fresh air is at a premium there’s a lot of carbon dioxide build up which make their environment very acidic. This grotesque rat has evolved a way to turn off the pain that every other animal on the face of the earth feels. Take note villains, the whole ‘vat of acid’ routine isn’t going to work here.

http://www.arkive.org/naked-mole-rat/heterocephalus-glaber/image-G74671.html

Naked mole rats also have an incredible set of chompers. They can move their top two teeth apart or together like chopsticks which they use to manipulate their environment. And because they’re burrowing animals twenty five percent of their muscles are found in their jaw alone. That’s like taking all the power of one of your legs and putting it in your face. These critters have been known to chew through solid concrete! Not wood, not hard packed dirt, fucking stone hard cement.

http://pacscilife.blogspot.com/2009/10/something-to-chew-on.html

“Mmm…gritty.”

And to round out their skills the ‘I refuse to put on cloths’ rat is extremely long lived for a rodent and they appear to be completely immune to cancer. We say ‘appear’ because researchers have tried and failed to induce the disease in these critters. They’ve been irradiated, poisoned, dosed with every imaginable pollutant—chemotherapies, oxidative stressors, and heavy metals—with little or no effect. People in lab coats are very literally pouring lethal carcinogens down their throats right now. Science is actively working to kill these bastards and apparently it’s a losing battle.

http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/naked-mole-rat/

“With great power comes great…hideousness, apparently.”